Cold hands, warm shart.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
