Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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