You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
