i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
