I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
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Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
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I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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