I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
