Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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