i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
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At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
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I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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