I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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