Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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