You really coming over, don't trick.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
