I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I hate all girls vehemently.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
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