I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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