I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just invented taco cereal.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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