I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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