Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
