and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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