So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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