I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
