i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
