Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
