I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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