God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
