i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
