All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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