Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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