She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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