how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
