Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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