I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
high people should be assigned attendants
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
