Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
