I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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