If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
