guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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