Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
