I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
