I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
