Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
