when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
