twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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