I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
