You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
