He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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