So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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