census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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