Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
