Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
