I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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