Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
