I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
