I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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