i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Alive.
So much puke
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
