She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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