I like my sex mixed with concussions.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
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