I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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