I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Randomize
