you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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