ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
sex in a hospital.. check
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
